A brief but important message

It's been a while since I've written, and there have been any number of reasons for that. I'm going to endeavor to write more as the coming months allow. This is a good outlet for me, and writing is a perfect way for me to unwind.

Today, however, is not going to be a long winded rant, or anything like that. It's a simple announcement. For the past month I have been holding on to a secret that's been tearing me up inside. Now, I've been holding on to this secret because I wanted to reveal it to my family at Christmas, as sort of a gift. Now that Christmas is past, I'm able to more widely publicize it.


However, it's my feeling that it can be better summed up with a picture. For those of you who don't know, the individuals in this picture are my father and brothers. This is how we broke the secret to my extended family on my side. For a bit of further information, I'm the oldest, and the only one who is married in my family.

Now, loyal readers, I trust you will be able to do the simple deduction.

I look forward to continuing to write to you over the course of the coming year. I am making it a goal to write at least once a week. I will have a great deal to write about, that's for certain.

Just a note: Comments fuel the fire. Knowing that someone is reading what you've taken the time to put down is very important to a writer, and in my opinion anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. I write this blog as an effort to express things in the manner I best know how. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on my thoughts and feelings.

A final statement: At this time of year it is my prayer that you have been found healthy and at peace with the world. My thoughts and prayers go out at this time of year, that each person may find some semblance of peace and joy. Regardless of your affiliation, regardless of if you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, Channukah, Solstice, Festivus or anything else, may the twilight of 2011 be filled with bright and happy memories. May peace and love find its way to your life, and may 2012 dawn with a renewed sense of hope, and of faith. May you all be blessed, this loyal readers is my prayer, and until next time... Good night, and good luck.

Pure Frustration

Greeting loyal readers. Today’s blogcast is a return to normalcy. I’m going to lay something down right now, and it’s nothing but pure ranting. Today at work was a truly bad day. Now let’s face it… My job is cake. Nothing has ever been easier than this job. To be honest… a trained monkey could do my job. However, I feel that I make a strong effort to step out above and beyond the bare bones responsibilities of the job and try and be a valuable employee. I’ve made an effort to learn the job, beyond just the requirements. I have been told by numerous of the Team Leads that I am an asset to the company. However despite these facts… I’ve grown frustrated, and I’m going to explain why.



When I got hired at AMP, I made sure that the employer’s knew that my background, and indeed my strength and comfort zone was customer service. I was informed that if a customer service position opened up (customer service is a promotion from data entry) I would be getting an interview. Guaranteed. Today I learned that 5 data entry agents have recently been moved to Customer Service. Receiving a promotion and significantly more human hours. (Monday through Friday 9-5). Now… If I had been interviewed and they’d been hired over me, I can handle that. But the fact of the matter is, despite those promises… I DIDN’T GET A FRELLING INTERVIEW!



Now, I would be able to overlook this normally, however this is the third time this has happened since I started working at this company. I was APPROACHED about two other jobs in the company, and was told they’d contact me for interviews, and contact was never made. For either job.



This particular turn of events has left me feeling very defeated and unhappy. This job was originally a “seasonal” position, with some of the staff being retained for the off season. I felt confident due to my performance of being retained. However when I can’t even get interviewed for a friggin’ lateral move… I don’t see how that’s going to happen. I guess I had better start hunting much harder for jobs. I may be leaving my current one much earlier than I’d expected to.



That’s all for now, ranting isn’t decreasing my frustration, so I’m going to cut it short. As always loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of The Rogue Signal. Until next time… goodnight, and good luck.

The Adventures Continue

Hail and well met loyal readers! Today is going to be another step out of my usual ranting, and just going to be more of a journal. So... Indulge me.

Last night after work Alicia and I headed out to Men's Wearhouse, where a couple of week's ago we had gone in and gotten a "Tuxedo Consultation" with the "Tuxedo Specialist." Tuesday evening is our "pre-wedding" photo shoot and Alicia will be in her wedding dress. (Not going to lie, I'm excited!) Because Alicia is going to be spiffied up to her uptmost spiffiness I am going to be as well. I'm going to be in a tuxedo. That's right loyal readers, I... The Rogue Signal am going to be classing it up in a penguin suit. We picked it up yesterday, and it isn't perfect. My shoulders are a bit broad for the jacket, but the alterations would have put it past the date we need it, so we're going to just roll with it. Wearing this tux has definitely affirmed for me that I need to lose some weight. Alicia has stated that I'm quite handsome in my tuxedo (we did a trial run of it today, so she could see everything all put together, and so she could say "darling, that is definitely not how that works." I'm not super comfortable in it, but Alicia likes it so I'll go with it.

Following our trial run with the tuxedo Alicia and I sat down to bust out our invitations. We spent time organizing lists, making piles, adding stamps, printing labels, placing labels on envelopes. We spent quite a chunk of time doing this and we've only dented the list of invites that we need to send out. All in all it's been fun though. It's meant a lot of time side by side with my girl, and that makes me happier than anything in the world.

We've also been having discussions regarding wedding cakes. I'm not sure we're any closer to the decision. To put it mildly... neither of us really like cake all that much. The exception for me is german chocolate cake, but that's not a thing Alicia really likes. So we're continuing our discussions.

We're taking a brief break from invitation work, so I decided to blog about our current adventures. We're both excited for the upcoming week. It entails photo shoots, and my mom and brother will be here! Alicia gets to meet some of her future family-in-law for the first time in person. She says she's nervous, but I am hoping she is excited as well.

The time has come to get back to work. As always, dear readers, this has been a blogcast of The Rogue Signal. Until next time, goodnight, and good luck.

The Joy of Discovery

The Joys of Discovery

I will state first, before all the rest of this gets started, that moving to Provo was likely the best decision I’ve ever made. Not because it’s Provo, but rather because it places me five minutes away from my fiancé. It’s my feeling that my relationship with her has improved beyond anything I thought was possible.

Something we’ve dedicated ourselves to doing since I moved down to Provo, is finding activities we can do together. Alicia and I have started playing Halo: Reach over XBOX Live with my little brothers. This has been one of our greatest adventures. Strictly speaking… we’re… well we aren’t good. My brothers on the other hand, are good. So we usually end up playing team games, where my little brothers are all on 1 man teams, and then Alicia and I are a twosome. The thing about this is… we still lose. Badly. We’re talking like abysmal style losses. This is in no way Alicia’s fault! We just… are bad at the game. It’s not a style of game play that either of us excel at, however it’s the experience of playing with our family members that makes it fun. We don’t mind dying, we don’t mind losing. Because we sit and laugh at the whole event. It’s a lot of fun and I’m really happy that Alicia has chosen to participate in it with me.

One of the things that we are trying to get better at, is using our Kinect. We have one for our XBOX and it has Kinect Adventures and EA Sports Active 2 on it. I think part of our issue has to do with timing. Because of our weird work schedules it’s tough to find a time that working out together works. When I get off work at night it’s usually time to make dinner and then we just want to relax. I am willing to take the blame fully on this one. We continue to look for ways to make “Kinecting” (clever that one) a feasible option. It may come down to pure motivation. Actually, let’s be honest, that’s exactly what it comes down to, is just making the time.

We’ve also been exploring television programs we can watch together. Something we learned a long time ago is that our movie taste is very different. So we have made great efforts to find middle ground when it comes to television shows. One of our big discoveries has been The Voice. We have had a lot of fun watching this show, though I think we have been less than impressed with the Battle Rounds. We did however really enjoy the blind auditions, it’s so much better than American Idol’s ridiculousness. Luckily we’ve found some serious common ground on Food Network. Alicia states that she loves Chopped, and she will watch Iron Chef America with me. We’ve really had fun watching Best in Smoke together, and we’re excited for June when Next Food Network Star premieres. I think this summer we’re going to have Netflix send us the disks for Castle, and see if we both can get into that show. And I have promised that I will give Bones a try.

Something that we’ve been spending a lot of time doing lately, which is honestly a huge surprise to me, is playing World of Warcraft. I sent Alicia a ten day free trial, and she had a great time. We got Christian, my younger brother, to come and play with us and we’ve had a lot of fun leveling toons (that’s game speak for characters) together. Alicia really likes her mage… and has created quite a few of them to try the different races. She seems to have decided she’s a big fan of her Dranei. She really likes how pretty the starting area was, and I think she likes being a tall blue woman who can hurl icy death from her hands. At least that’s my suspicion. She seems to really be enjoying it, and a lot of nights it’s either Alicia or Christian saying “are we playing tonight?” We’re going to get Alicia to try some Player vs Player combat, because that is Christian and I’s favorite haunt. We’ll see if she likes it.

We’ve been exploring various foods as well. We’ve kept our eyes out for things on sale at Sam’s Club, and in the past while Alicia has tried leg of lamb, and corned beef. She didn’t particular like either of them. At all. But she was brave enough to try.

That really sums up the majority of our explorations recently. The rest of our time is consumed with working, and with wedding plans. Tonight after work I have to go over and have adjustments made to my tux. Next Tuesday is our pre-wedding photos, and we’re praying the weather will be better than this rain it’s been lately. I’m excited to see Alicia in her wedding get-up, I’ve even been practicing pulling my jaw up off the floor. I know she’s going to be beautiful.

For now, that’s my life. I am enjoying it, and look forward to the next several weeks. As always, loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of The Rogue Signal. Until next time, goodnight, and good luck.

The Most Devastating Weapon of All

The past several weeks have been eventful to say the very least. Following a long discussion with Alicia, it was determined that we'd most likely end up living in Utah Valley following our wedding. specifically in and around Provo itself. Something that I've noticed with several of my friends is that they spend a great deal of time right before their wedding searching for a place to live, and it adds a great deal of undue stress into their lives. I resolved to prevent that from happening, and began to look for employment and living quarters in the Provo region.

As it turns out, I got an interview for a job two days after I began this search. The interview was on a Monday, I started work on a Wednesday, and I'd signed the papers for an apartment, and moved into it on Saturday. In my mind that's a clear sign that I was where I was supposed to be.

These last weeks have been filled with adjusting to my new living situation. I'm currently living in a fairly large apartment by myself, Alicia will of course not be moving in till after our wedding in June. However the apartment is unfurnished, so my sweetie and I have been slowly acquiring furniture. We now have a couch, a tv, and an entertainment center! I'm currently sleeping on an air mattress on the floor, but that's likely to be remedied soon. Alicia's parents are giving her the bed she used when she was in high school, so at least we will have one. It will be small, but it's better than an air mattress!

I'm going to return, dear readers, to my usual style of writing. Which is to say, I'm asking that you brace yourself for a controlled rant of my emotions. Situations lately have truly had me frustrated, and I have tried my best to just brush them aside or keep them bottled up. I've determined, however, that this particular group of actions is one I'm bad at. I don't bottle up very well. I don't do a very good job of keeping things buried. The fact of the matter is, while some can bottle it up, and then healthily dispose of it, I seem to be incapable of doing that. As you read through the rest of this little tirade, I'm sure you'll be able to understand why it is that I feel this way

So my friends, I'm going to discuss the prospect of war. Now when I'm speaking of war I'm not discussing one in Iraq, I'm not discussing the fabled battles of Humans and Orcs in numerous fantasy genres. Hell, this isn't even a discussion regarding The Galactic Empire and the friggin' Rebel Alliance. I'm speaking of a war that strikes much closer to home. I've seen this war tear apart friendships, tear apart families, and decimate friendships. I'm discussing an interpersonal war.

It's a widely accepted fact that every person in the world is in some sort of conflict with another person. This isn't to say that everyone hates someone, but there are people that we disagree with, don't get along with, etc. For one reason or another, the human race is incapable of just simply getting along. Most of us can't even truly agree to disagree. How many times has someone said that to you, or have you said that to someone? How many of those times have you walked away muttering under your breath, or feeling in your heart that you're absolutely right? How often are you belittling the intelligence of the other person in your brain, even after having just offered the diplomatic solution?

This war is waged on so many different levels, and with a variety of weapons. A friend of mine described her favorite weapon as the "french pout." The French pout is a classic French facial gesture which expresses discontent, disdain or disgust. Others, such as myself, usually choose all out confrontation. Then there are those that choose to utilize a weapon that is the equivalent of using biological warfare. They deploy this underhanded technique and lay waste to those with whom they are quarreling. This all too common weapon is used to breed complacency in the target, and then when the quarry least expects it, the party who is wielding this tool will suddenly NINJA SLASH THEIR HEART, BRAIN, AND SOUL!

As you can see, I have very strong feelings on this, and perhaps that's why I choose to write about it. The weapon I speak of, that weapon which is all to frequently utilized in interpersonal relationships, is passive agression. Wikipedia defines this as follows:

[b]Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.[/b]

Disavowed! That is one of the key words of this damnable behavior! People choose to simply deny that they are still feeling upset or negative about a situation. The person they are quarreling with will accept this at face value. This regularly happens because the conflicted parties often care deeply about each other, which in my mind makes this crime all the more heinous. The damage that passive aggressive behavior can wreak [b]cannot[/b] be understated. Passive aggressive behavior can cause a butterfly effect within a relationship that may not be felt for days, weeks, or even years.

I choose not to point fingers, or make examples in this particular blog. This isn't intended to put anyone on blast. Perhaps this makes me passive aggressive as well, or at least so many of you may think. However, the difference is I intend to talk to these people about the issue, but I needed a cooler head before I did it. Taking the time to put these words into the nether space that is the internet has provided me with a bit of perspective. I've made my opinions broadly known, and soon the specifics will be discussed with those whom I've deemed as in violation of the code of relationship behavior.

I apologize for this unfocused and angry rant, thanks for reading. As always, dear readers, this has been a blogcast of The Rogue Signal. Until next time, goodnight, and good luck.

A Week of Learning

Hail loyal readers. As some of you may know, I've spent the past week absolutely miserably ill. I've got some virus, that starts with a C, that I can't even pronounce. Apparently it's a disease that is regularly caught by young children, but that wreaks absolute havoc on an adult. I'm at the tail end of it, I'm hoping, but luckily my doctor signed a note excusing me from work, so I don't have to deal with any of that mess.

Interestingly enough, this week of being laid up has done a great deal for me. I've spent a great deal of time thinking. It's been a quiet week of contemplation. Alicia has been still in school of course, and my grandparents (in whose house I currently live) are still doing their snowbirding trip in Arizona, so as a result I've spent a great deal of time by myself. These days of quiet, and calm (save of course for the times when I feel close to death due to illness) have been spent in contemplation and reflection.

I've done a great deal of reading, or audiobook listening, depending on the day. I've spent a great deal of time reading through blogs on marriage. Let's lay something down right here, getting married to Alicia is the best decision I've ever made. The planning and facilitation has been a challenge, however it's my belief that these trials and decisions have brought myself and my love to be infinitely closer. No one in this world knows me better than my boo, but I would be the first to admit that she and I both have wealths of information to learn about the other, and this experience has brought a great deal of progress in that department.

I could go on for hours and hours, and paragraphs and paragraphs relating to the lessons that I have learned. Lessons about myself, about Alicia, about marriage, engagement, colors, fabrics... and many other things.

Perhaps one of the biggest and most amazing discoveries this week, has been what I'm heavily considering going back to school for. As Alicia and I embarked on one of our favorite pass times, watching documentaries together, we noticed that a great deal of the documentaries that I select, are about the ocean, and it's myriad of lifeforms. After some research, I've decided that I would love to be an oceanographer. I'm very excited to return to school, and honestly, this is the first time that I've felt that way. I've always known that going back to school is necessary, but I have not been excited. This course of study however, has reignited my desire to learn, and has me anxious to return to a university. First things first is a bachelor's in biology, then a master's in oceanography, and then, depending on what is going on in life, I desire to obtain my Ph.D as well.

However, I'm digressing. I do wish to speak about two of the things that I've learned this week that stand out to me the most.

The first is the effects of stress in my life. Alicia will vouch for the fact that worrying and stressing are two things I rarely do. I generally am able to look at a situation and see how to work through to the end of it. Stressing out about things has never been my style. However, my new job is FILLED with stress. I literally get paid to have people yell at me, and this is not something that I'm particularly... built for. Alicia and I discussed it at great length, and we determined that part of the reason that a) this disease was able to hit my usually impervious immune system and b) why it hit me like a Mack truck laden down with concrete is because my entire system is so unaccustomed to stress. The other factor of this is minor things, that I would usually be able to work my way through, have been weighing more heavily on me of length. I'm now worrying more than I can remember worrying in my life. However, as it is, it's raised a very important detail to the attention of myself and my future bride. It's very clear that while this job pays the bills for now, the faster I can get into a different vocation, the better.

Now, the other thing that I've uncovered, is the ability to do just about anything with Alicia and enjoy it. Now, that isn't to say that everything we do is the very best experience ever. There are definitely things that Alicia will enjoy significantly more that I will enjoy it. This is also not to say that alone time isn't important. Something that Alicia and I know is that we need time by ourselves. I don't care who you are, how in love you are, how perfect things are, everyone and I mean everyone, needs decompression time. Allow yourself, and your other half to have time to themselves, and you will find that the time you do spend together is even more of a treasure than other moments. What I have learned, is that things I would never consider doing by myself, and that in reality I could not consider doing with other people, are things that I find profound enjoyment in when I do them with Alicia. She has made me a Biggest Loser fan, I enjoy taking walks with her, and these are just two examples. I choose to believe that there are things that I enjoy that she does with me, and finds enjoyment as long as it's something we do together.

This is perhaps the most important part. While alone time is critical, together time is just as important. This is not sitting in the same room. That is not together time. That is being in the same room together. Interaction is important. That is truly where the relationship with my boo blossomed, is when we truly began to interact. I have learned that interaction with Alicia brings me fulfillment. Taking interest in what she does, whether it's the specifics of a day at work, to something she learned in class, my greatest moments in a day are when she and I just relate to one another.

I pass this information on for multiple reasons. Perhaps my younger brother's who read this can learn lessons that it has taken me a long time to learn. Perhaps my loyal readers may incorporate something into it. Perhaps it's simply to affirm to myself that I've learned these things. Whatever the case, I feel it is important for me to "pen" these words.

I look forward to my marriage, nothing in my life has held more happiness, excitement and ever terror (yes terror) than this upcoming event. Change is scary my friends, but it's also amazing. This is a change that I wait for breathlessly.

It is my hope and prayer that the lessons I've learned, will do something for the friends and followers of this blog cast. Until next time my friends, this has been another blogcast of The Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

The Path I Choose to Walk

Greetings loyal readers! It's been a busy week, training officially ended at the new job, and things regarding my engagement have been flying at us at lightspeed. We have accomplished so much considering we have been engaged only a week. We have set a date, booked a venue, planned out the luncheon, and booked a photographer. Colors and the like are all chosen. So many things have just fallen in to place, I'd like to publicly state how grateful I am for my future mother in law. She has shouldered a great deal of the burdens, and she has been amazing. Thank you Tere, for all your support.

As a Saturday filled with planning activities swirled by us yesterday, one of the things I took a chance to do was examine my life. It is my belief, that no matter who we are, no matter where as are at, we take a look at the path not chosen. I took the time to think about, and discuss with my best friend, who also happens to be my future bride. I wondered, what if I had chosen to stay in Washington after getting my Associate's? What if I'd never gone to Skagit Valley College? Now I know that puzzling over these questions seems pointless, after all, we can't change the past. However, there was a distinct value in my personal musings.

See loyal readers, this journey I've chosen to embark upon, this eternal voyage I've chosen to pursue with my beloved, all has happened because of the decisions I made.

Let me lay something down right here, dear friends, I believe in choice. I am a firm and stalwart believer in the idea of free agency. Yet, I also believe in divine guidance. I have the forebearance to know that every choice in my life, has been with the hand of another in my life. Some may look at my choices and question them, yet I know that I made the decisions that needed to be made. After all, if is never left Washington, I'd never have met my boo. If I'd gotten a scholarship, I'd never have gone to the various places ive now gone. The key fundamental thing that I realized last night is this. I am a sum of my experiences. I was forged by the fires of my trials. I have been tempered by the experiences of myself, and those I've met. The faces of people, some I may never see again, are forever etched on my memory. The events of my life, have folded, and unfolded, forming the puzzle that I am. What I realize now, is there was only one answer to this puzzle.

You see, after everything, the puzzle was incomplete. Yet I have found that single missing piece. The choices of my life, led me to the only possible outcome. Girls have tried to fit the piece in to that last empty slot, and failed. Then, I met my boo. With no apparent effort she clicked that last piece in where it belongs. My life, my puzzle, is complete. I now feel as though every choice and decision makes sense.

I was brought to this point by my choices in life. Every tear, every smile, every pain and every joy, have molded me into the man that was best suited for the amazing woman I now call my fiancé. I raise a prayer of thanks, for everything I have endured, because I know now, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that there was a reason. A reason, that bears the most beautiful name in the world. That reason, was Alicia.

Fair readers, I have bared a portion of my soul tonight. I thank you for the opportunity. As ways, this has been another blog cast of The Rogue Signal. Until next time my friends, good night and good luck.

The End of One Story, The Beginning of Another.

Hail, and well met loyal readers! I told you I'd be back, and as promised I intend to clarify everything about yesterday's early morning blog, that may, or may not have been unclear to those who read it.

Yesterday was an intricate series of plans, all woven together, I must say masterfully, by myself. These plans, should everything go as planned, would culminate in one, ultimate event.

So allow me to start at the beginning. Alicia and I spent the day together yesterday, and that is where the plan began. Step one of the plan, was to take my beautiful girlfriend to the restaurant, that she has termed the provider of her "favorite lemon chicken in the world." Now, knowing my boo, I should have expected a small hole in the wall restaurant... I however, did not. For some reason, my impression, after listening to her speak of the divinity of said lemon chicken, felt that I would be stepping in to a mystical and marvelous, semi upscale Chinese joint. Imagine my surprise when I discovered Alicia and I the only patrons of this place at lunch time. I am pleased to announce, however, that Alicia enjoyed her entrée. I however, and fear not I have let Alicia know this, did not. This entire experience confirmed for me, just how much love for Alicia I have. Despite my utter disappointment with the, not to be named, restaurant, I enjoyed every moment of it, because Alicia did.

We now progress to phase two. The rest of the day was just spent hanging out. Alicia did some reading for school, I did some research on a new computer game. The details of the in between time aren't really important, because this was, honestly, just the intermission between phase one, and phase two. As it reaches about 3:30ish, Alicia and I jump in my car and drive to the local TRAX (a lightrail) station. Trax provides us with easy access to downtown Salt Lake City, and that's where the rest of my plan was to take place. However, the train ride itself was key as well. Ever since we met, we've discussed wanting to take a train ride together. Now, I'll be the first to admit that stepping on to a light rail train, doesn't really count. But given the circumstances, I felt it would work. (and luckily it did.)

We enjoyed the train ride, we laughed, we held hands, we had a great time. I feel that my phase two, was a success. This brings us of course, to stage three. Stage three was a bit more freeform. We had time to kill between stage four and stage two, and so I filled it in with a romantic walk around downtown Salt Lake. We walked through temple square, noted and chuckled at the various "interesting poses" that the assorted couples having weddings were put through. We took numerous pictures, which I will be inserting in the blogcast. We talked about the various places, and memories we had of them. Nothing pivotal happened, and yet, of all the phases I think I enjoyed this one the most. Alicia will be pleased to read, and to hear, that I love walking with her. Pretty much anywhere, as long as the distance isn't overly ridiculous. :)

Phase four, crunch time. We mounted the elevators inside the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, and Alicia was a bit nervous. We headed to the tenth (and top) floor, and given that we had a few minutes before the reservations that I'd made earlier in the week, we took some time to stare out over the Salt Lake Valley. I held her tight, and as we gazed out over the valley, I once again knew that what I was about to do was the right choice. At 5:25 we headed back into the foyer, and I led her around a corner into The Roof restaurant. I'll admit that I didn't know what to expect either. We were entering a world that was immensely more swank than anything either of us had experienced. Luckily, we'd dressed the part, I still will always wonder what Alicia thought we were doing downtown when I gently suggested we dress up slightly, and then got on TRAX.

The Roof, was wonderful, however the choice of the Roof was not coincidental. When I was young, probably about eight or nine, my parents brought my to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building to watch a film called "Legacy." After watching the film, we'd gone up to the tenth floor to gaze out the observation decks over the entire valley. It was at this moment, that I first saw The Roof, and something inside me clicked. I knew, that if I had the opportunity, I would one day perform the act that I had planned, in that very restaurant. Which, brings us back to yesterday.

We made a couple of trips to the swanky, upscale buffet, and then, I reached across the table and took my beloved's hand. I looked into her eyes, and I told her words that were meant only for her ears. I can't be sure, but I have a feeling that for years to come she will be able to quote the words I said to her verbatim. Then, with my heart pounding in my chest, and my vision clouded by tears, I climbed out of my tiny, swanky upscale seat, and got down on one knee. I reached into my pocket and removed the small diamond ring, and I queried softly.

"Alicia, will you marry me?

Now, let's be real here, the delay was no more than a heartbeat. A chance for the woman who I had just brought tears to her eyes, to catch her breath and speak the response, but that instant, lasted for an eternity. But when those gorgeous brown eyes glowed, and the lips of my beloved spoke, the word that came out has never, ever, been rivaled by another in the happiness it brought me. She whispered quietly, yes.

To be honest, there is little left of the story. My plan was complete. To this moment, I'm exceedingly happy. The woman that I love, is the woman I've chosen to dedicate my entire life to. I will state it plainly and openly here in this blogcast. Alicia Weir, is the reason I am who I am. Each and every day since I met her, she has encouraged me, both openly and subtly, to be a better person. Every choice I make, while not directly for her benefit, bares her as a decision making factor. She is my heart, she is the reason I choose to excel at everything that I can. I'd give anything in the world, just to make her smile once during the course of a day. She is... everything to me.

Plain and simply, I will need to stop speaking to the masses of readers, and rather, narrow this next sentence at one single faithful reader.

Alicia, I love you.

Friends, I appreciate you all, for reading through this experience, so that you may share it with me. Doubt not, that as the weeks go by between now and the planned wedding in June, you will see numerous blogs, both here and at orangestraw.blogspot.com discussing the joys, the stresses, the frustrations, and the victories in our rapid fire plannings. I will be posting photos, so that you can see that I'm not making it all up. As always loyal readers, thank you, and until next time, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

Ravings of an Insomniac

Greetings dear readers. Here I am, at five thirty on a Saturday morning, seated at my computer sending out my words into the twisting nether that is the "interwebs." Unlike my usual focused rantings, this morning's blogcast is born more of a lack of sleep, and as such the lack of focus, or coherence, can be chalked up to the complete and utter lack of sleep I've obtained this evening.

Now perhaps first, one should examine said insomnia. Recently I've downloaded the "Sleep Cycle" application for my iPhone4, and have learned that sleep really isn't a problem for me. I tend to drop right in, I spend a great deal of time in a deep sound slumber, and then I wake up. Tonight however, tonight I have tossed and turned. I'm unsure what's bringing about this paradigm shift. Perhaps its the massive crick in my neck, or maybe it's nerves. To be honest, I'm counting on it being the latter.

Tomorrow is a huge day in my life, a day where I hope to take the initial step into a completely unknown world for me. I approach it eagerly and happily. However, I cannot say that I'm not afraid. I know that my dearest Alicia would say that there is very little that I'm afraid of, and to be honest I'd agree with her. I've spent a fair portion of my life striving to overcome and eliminate my fears. I attended Dental Assisting school, so that I could get over my fear of the dentist. I'm climbed great heights, to overcome that fear as well. So the fact that the events of tomorrow, or at least the events that I have set into motion, scare me so totally... Is a whole new experience for me. Now, allow me to state two things. First, the events of tomorrow are not destined to be revealed in this particular blogcast. That, loyal readers, is a future episode. I also must state that there is no negativity, or illegality, or any other bad connotations to these aforementioned events. The fear comes from the unknown. Any who know me would be quick to state that I despise failing. That is my big fear. The decision that I've made, the choice to take this first step, is integrally tied to someone else. Their life is dependent on my ability to do this well.

My thoughts aren't flowing together this evening, and this blogcast is not smoothly moving through its sequence. For the first time since I began writing The Rogue Signal, I'm unable to put into words the feelings that I'm seeking to convey. It's possible that I just don't understand them. I'm not hesitating, I'm not feeling like it's a bad idea. I want to make that clear, because the more I write, the more I know that you, loyal readers, have already begun to guess what it is I'm feeling nervous of. I'm not having doubts, at least not that I'm making the right decision. The doubts, are all self directed. The usual confident and self-assured man that I am, is having a "whelpy" moment.

I don't want to fail. I don't want to let anyone down. The people involved in this decision, either directly or by extension, mean far too much to me for me to fail them.

Who knows, maybe I'm just being crazy. Or maybe I'm just human. Maybe, I've just said maybe too many times in one episode of this blogcast. Whatever the case may be, I feel as though the words that I'm putting down are just those of a whining and nervous boy. Forgive me, loyal readers, for I pray that I've not caused you to feel I've wasted your time. I think I'll go take some asprin for this neck pain, and try and go to sleep again. As always friends, I appreciate the time you've spent reading the haplessly falling words that I've chosen to place upon the interwebby space. Wish me luck friends, I'll need it.

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

The Old-Fashioned Way

So it's been a while loyal readers, and yet there is a reason. That reason, is one that will become more and more apparent to you as the rest of this blog is read. You see friends, over the past few weeks, as I've worked through the stress and strain of training for a new job, I've made a realization. You see, I've decided that Alicia Weir, my girlfriend, has become more to me than that.

Alicia is my best friend, she's my most trusted companion, and she's the person I turn to first when I need advice, when I need help, or when I just need comfort. Alicia has become not my reason for living, but the reason for which I live. Everything in my life that I do, I do with her in mind. I seek to improve my life, so that it can better make her happy. I seek to bring joy to her, with every action I take. Recently she and I had a conversation, and one thing was stated. This statement resonated with me then, and it will, I believe, resonate with me for the rest of eternity. Alicia stated the following to me,

"Erik, we're a team. No matter what challenge we face, we don't ever need to do it alone again. We can do it together, forever.

This statement, profoundly impacted my life. It made me think, and for two weeks I've thought, and pondered, and prayed.

So tonight, I'm going to Sunday dinner with my girlfriend's family. Tonight, I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone. You see, something that I learned is that my girlfriend's wonderful family, is old fashioned. You see, I've been informed, through the grapevine, that it is incumbent upon me to request the permission of my girlfriend's father and mother, to ask for Alicia's hand in marriage. So tonight, I do it the old fashioned way. Tonight I ask for their permission, and I prepare to take the next step. The ring is bought, the proposal is planned. It's all down to the wire now. Time to take that final step.

Wish me luck, and wish me courage loyal readers. Tonight's blog is short, and now you understand why. So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

The Question is Why?

 It's been apparent, and to some of you it may have been painfully so, that I've been quite busy for the past week. I recently came into a new job, and have spent the past week in very intense and rigorous training for it. Blogging time has been limited, but I'm making a goal to at the very least blog every Saturday, as my blogging time will be dependent on how intense this job ends up being after I finish training. During my first week of blogs, I simply blogged about whatever it is that has come to my head, and I intend to continue doing so.

Today's random thought, brings me back to one of my favorite pass times: gaming. Gaming, for me, isn't limited to electronic games. While I have spent a great deal of time in my life, indulging in electronic based entertainment, it isn't the only type of gaming out there. My love for games whether it be electronic, board based, or even simple free play, can be traced back as far as I can remember. For years a certain question has been posed to serious gamers, and I choose today to answer it unbidden.

Why do I game?

Many years ago, I remember sitting in the kitchen of our house in West Valley City, Utah. The house was full of my dad's friends. I remember the laughter, and the noise. Six people were gathered around the kitchen table. In front of all of them was a piece of paper, and my dad was "hiding" behind a large cardboard screen. Tonight was Dungeons and Dragons night, and if I stayed quiet, and stayed out of the way, maybe I'd get to watch. I was allowed to watch for a brief time, but as was always the case on DnD nights, I drifted asleep to the story my Dad and his friend's were weaving, and was carried to bed.

Jump to a different day, my dad is sitting at the old dos-based 486 computer. He's loading up the latest in the "Gold Box Forgotten Realms" computer adventures, or maybe it's "Eye of the Beholder." I watch as my dad's intrepid band of pixelated adventurer's fought to save the Realms from certain destruction. Some of my favorite memories of spending time with my dad was sitting in a chair, or on the floor and watching him spend time playing his games. It didn't matter what game it was, all I wanted to do was watch.

Fast forward a couple years, a new phenomenon is sweeping the world as teens and adults everywhere are playing Magic: The Gathering. I vividly remember my thrill as I opened each booster pack side by side with my dad. I remember the thrill of uncovering each new rare and powerful card. I remember hours of alphabetizing my card collections, and countless more hours spent designing decks and strategies. I can still smell the scent of mall-food as my dad and I attended a "Sealed Deck Tournament" together one Saturday. I didn't get very far, but I had a blast. I loved every minute of it. I'd later go on to win a few tournaments in my day, but this was the only tourney I attended with my dad. (On a back note; if I'd have stuck heavily with the game, dedicating the passion to it that I had when I was a kid... I probably could have gone pro... I was good!)

Again jump forward, Starcraft is the biggest real time strategy game on the planet. My dad is the regional manager for a company. I remember countless saturdays spent on the computers at that office, playing massive 8-player games of Starcraft with guys from our ward. Epic battles of strategy between our teenage minds were the highlight of our weekends.

Fast forward a few more years. I've gone from watching my dad play DnD, to trying to DM my own game. I found that the issue with being a "serious gamer" is you have to find "serious gamers" to play with. My friends of the day weren't serious about the game at all, and we failed miserably. But I had fun... right up until the fighter ripped the door off the hinges, and refused to believe that the magic which was supposed to have "sealed that door" a few scenes later in the story, was instead blocking the entrance. So instead of being trapped in my haunted house, they simply walked outside... Oh well, live and learn ;)

And again leap forward, my dad, my brother, and I are all crammed into the tiny office in the basement of our house, playing Dark Age of Camelot. The story has grown from there, but that's a previous entry.

Through all of this, there was a healthy dose of board games played at family gatherings, card games played with Mom and Dad on an evening. Games have been a part of my life since before I can remember. Sure, there are moments in gaming where I've lost my cool (the door story above is an example) and let's face it, no one wants to play with a bad sport. However, all in all, games have been a positive thing. Playing games such as Dungeons and Dragons gives me a chance to express my creativity. Games such as Dark Age can be played with my family several hundred miles away. Gaming has given me another activity to do with my lovely girlfriend. But, in spite of all of this, I haven't really answered my own question have I? I've given you a history of gaming, but I've never stated specifically why it is that I game.

So here it is readers, something that has been locked up inside for a long time. Why does Erik Taylor game?

If you look back at my history, you'll see a common thread. Most of my gaming, took place with my dad. I remember as a kid, looking at my dad, and wanting to be just like him. I wanted to be an engineer, because dad was. I wanted to wear glasses, because dad did. Every game I've ever picked up, I picked up because dad had played it first. I gamed, so that I could spend time with my dad. As I've grown up, my relationship with my dad hasn't always been the best. Even today, our relationship could be described as rocky. So when I game, I take a moment to experience the nostalgia of playing games with Dad, back when things were in top form. I learned my OCD style of gaming from my dad. I'm a perfectionist, and a completionist, and each time I unlock every secret in a game, or every time that I weave a story for my friends in DnD, I think of how my dad did it, think of how he'd spend hours continuing to build up his empire in Master of Orion, or in Civilization, even though he could wipe out his enemy in a single fell stroke.

So the answer, my readers, is simple. I game, because Dad gamed, and still games... And all my life, the thing I wanted most, was to be like, and to impress my dad.

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

The Massively Multiplayer Online Classroom

Ever since I graduated from High School in 2005 one of my principle forms of entertainment has been playing MMOs. I have vivid memories of rolling my first character Elterron. As I loaded on to Dark Age of Camelot's Lamorak server for the first time, and slowly began running Elterron through the world, questing and killing the beasties that were around me, I realized I'd found my video game niche. Here was a chance to play the RPG style game that I loved, but interact with other people at the same time. When my father, my brother and I all swapped over to the Ector server to play a different realm, I rolled my favorite character. Zuljinn Bloodaxe, mighty troll warrior. Together with Grall the Berserker and Giell the Bonedancer, we quested and killed our way to level 50.

In a future blog, I intend to tell the tale of my MMO experiences, but that is not the point of this one.

MMOs have taught me many things, ranging from the importance of communication to the value of teamwork. Perhaps the most important thing, and the aspect that I'm going to focus on in today's blog-cast, is the importance of roles.

In most MMOs there are three roles, there are the tanks, the damage dealers, and the support classes. Throughout my sordid MMO career, I've given all the roles a try. In Dark Age of Camelot I was a tank for a long time. I eventually created a support class, and enjoyed that quite a bit. In City of Heroes I played a tank, D&D Online I dished out the damage, and in World of Warcraft I dealt the damage, and I tanked. In my return to Dark Age I've played all the roles. Some people may be asking themselves what exactly each of these roles does, and so I'll give a quick discussion of each job.

Tanks: For lack of a better description, these guys are the meat shields. Also referred to as battle turtles, these characters have high defenses, and are specifically designed to take a ton of punishment, and irritate the enemy monsters to the point that the monsters focus on the tank, and not on anyone else. Tanks are a complex and important role.

Damage Dealers: Also referred to as DPS'ers, the damage dealers do exactly as their name suggests. They deal out pain and punishment to the beasties. Yet despite how easy this job may sound, its not really that simple. DPS'ers have to monitor just how much damage they're dealing. If they steal the attention of the beastie from the tank, they're likely dead. DPS'ers commonly have massive attack power, but little in the way of defense. DPS'ers are the ones who bring the beastie to the afterlife, and as such are a very important group of people.

Support: Support is likely the most diverse class. Support, and the jobs that it is charged with filling, is dependent on the game. Some games support is strictly heals. Other games have support classes who are in charge of "buffing up" the party. Dark Age of Camelot (my game of choice) has support classes who heal, buff, and crowd control. (Crowd control is where a player is responsible for keeping mobs, or other players [in a player versus player environment] unable to function. The tools for doing this are myriad, ranging from putting them to sleep, to rooting them in place, to simply stunning them. A good crowd controller can win a fight for a group who was up against overwhelming odds.) Support classes shift the balance between life and death. If a group goes up against a beastie that is far more powerful than them (a boss), if they don't have heals, buffs or other support tools, they're very likely toast.

Something that is implied by the term group, is that teamwork is required. So any discussion of roles is going to include a discussion on teamwork. A group cannot succeed just by having a star of any role. A group, in order to succeed, has to have successful members in each of their roles. If any one role fails in their job, the group fails. Each of my descriptions included a mention of how important each of the jobs was.

Something that I've learned, as I've talked with people who don't play MMOs, is that for the most part they don't understand what it's all about. What's the fascination with playing with people you can't see? What's the fascination with pretending you're someone, or something else? The lessons I've learned from MMOs, and the friendships I have forged, transcend things I could have learned spending time in a bar, or at a rec center, or any of those sorts of things. I look at people I've met via Ventrilo Voice chat, folks like Mondi, Kaeran, Kaznon, Ori, Allecia... All of these people I never would have met if I hadn't played the games. Their's are friendships that I treasure.

What may shock people the most, is what I've learned about my real life relationships, simply from playing the game. The lessons that I've learned on team work, and on filling your role to the best of your ability, have helped me in every aspect of my relationships. Whether it be in my professional life, where I need to do the best at my job, because its a critical bit to a team, or whether its working as a team with Alicia. I treasure and value the lessons I've learned.

Perhaps where I've been realizing the most poignant lessons is in my relationship with my beloved Alicia. I find myself regularly in the support role. Luckily, I've overcome my dislike of this role (both in game and out of game.) I find myself happily listening to her about her problems, and doing my best to buoy her up. She comes to me for advice, we talk about everything under the sun. Caring for her, has become a primary concern, and I'm finding it's a role that I fill quite well. Interestingly enough however, is the fact that this isn't a role I fulfilled very well prior to playing games. Many of my relationships failed, because I couldn't step back and fill the role that was needed at the time. I couldn't take the aggro, or I couldn't provide the support that was necessary. I wasn't a team player, and it cost me. The time spent learning the ins and outs of roles, and the importance of team work, while not only done in game, was mainly a skill I acquired by operating as a part of a team. I want to thank those who taught me to be part of a team, it has helped me to cultivate one of the greatest blessings in my life.

It's my belief that the MMO world has the potential to be a classroom, and to teach us things we never would have realized outside of it. For me, I did individual sports all through school, I was focused on myself, and cultivated a selfish attitude and outlook on life. It took me a great deal of time, and a great deal of hardship, to break it. I can confidently say, that a great deal of the lessons I learned that helped to break those habits, I learned in the classroom of Massively Multi-player Online RPGs.

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

A Phantasmal Idea

Something that I briefly mentioned a few entries ago, has been weighing on my mind for the past several days. Any who are close to me know, that a few years back, I experienced what some may call a... "possession of inspiration." (alright, only one person has ever called it that, and it wasn't me, but the more I've thought about it, the more it makes sense.)

Years ago, when I first discovered Breaking Benjamin, and specifically discovered the song "Breath," the inklings of what I call... my story, were brought to me. For days I say and listened to certain songs over, and over again. I wrote exhaustive notes, I conferred with other people, seeing if they could hear what I was hearing, hidden behind the words of the songs. Never before had I felt such a driving inspiration to create something.

Yet despite having the story, despite having everything I need, without fail, every time I have sat down to write the tale... I fail. It's as though there is a fleeting bit of the story that eludes me, a phantasmal, half formed notion or idea, that while small, is the keystone of the story. My notes continue to grow, my knowledge of the story continues to be fleshed out by my imagination. Yet I still suffer from the worst case of writer's block I've ever known.

I'm unsure what I'm waiting for, but I pray that I will find it, or that it will find me. Perhaps there are just events in my life that need to take place to inspire pieces of my story. I know that when Alicia and I had our whirlwind beginning of our relationship, several things in the story fell into place. Perhaps that is what I'm waiting for. It is possible that events, and people, in my life will continue to cast illumination on the few remaining shadows of my story, and then at last, I'll be able to write it.

Perhaps at length throughout the course of my blog, I will discuss various aspects of my story, give my loyal readers access to the in depth workings of my creative process. Perhaps not, as you all have probably guessed by now - I'm an unconventional blogger. The Rogue Signal is little more than a collected works of my most random thoughts, and I pray that those who take the time to read it find enjoyment, amusement, and perhaps some form of mental stimulation from reading my words.

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

A "sinking" feeling...

So last evening, I was preparing dinner and realized that one of the pans I would need in order to caramelize some onions was dirty. So my natural inclination was, of course, to wash it. So I did the usual process, a dab of soap in the pan, got some hot water in it and began to wash the pan. The pan has been used to cook soup, and so there was a bit of the soup that I was rinsing down the drain. As is my habit, I ran the garbage disposal following the rinsing and the washing, and the rinsing again of the pan. This is where the trouble all started.

To my horror, as I ran the garbage disposal, the water that I was running down it, was not going down the drain, but rather was resurfacing on the other side of the two basin sink! I immediately turned the disposal off, and waited... for 5 minutes, and still nothing had drained. Mustering my nerve I reached into the cloudy and icky looking water, seeking to find a source of the clog on either side. I discovered nothing. I rushed downstairs to obtain the drain cleaner, and after thoroughly reading the instructions, proceeded with the drain cleaning procedures.

Two hours later, the sink had yet to fully drain. I then followed the instructions for "what to do if it doesn't drain after procedure #1." Two hours later the sink was fully drained. I felt as though all my problems were solved! I was excited. This morning however, I went to do the dishes from last evening's dinner, and discovered to my utter dismay... that once again the sink wasn't draining.

I'm at my wits end. It's left me with a rather sinking feeling.

Sorry for the short post today, and for none yesterday. Yesterday, I got a job with Convergys, so what would have been blog time was spent filing out HR paperwork. And today, I need to go and do some more research on the sink...

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.

The Symphony of Life

"I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs, and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music."
-George Eliot

~~~

Ever since I was given my first clock radio when I was a child, music has held a very special place in my heart. As life has progressed that love has extended beyond simply listening to music, but in making it as well. I've risen from a child who "couldn't carry a tune in a bucket," to someone with a fair voice, not incredible, but its alright. I've even discovered that I can ply my hand at playing an instrument, and discovered that I had a moderate bit of talent for the flute. Through the years I've let some of those skills slide, I don't think I've picked up a flute in almost 5 years, and I haven't been in a choir since high school. Sure, I still sing along to the radio, sing in the shower, sing probably at any number of time when many would rather I not sing, but I'm not in practice. My voice has returned to its unrefined and unpolished state. If there is one thing, that since I first learned what the "sleep timer" does on a clock radio, that has never faltered, it's my listening to music.

Many who look at my iPod feel that I have an eclectic taste in music. My library ranges from Breaking Benjamin, to Styx, to Within Temptation, to Eminem and back to the London Philharmonic Orchestra. Music, to me, is about mood. Isidore of Seville once said that "Nothing exists without music, for the universe itself is said to have been framed by a kind of harmony of sounds, and the heaven itself revolves under the tone of that harmony." I tend to agree. For me, a day without music is akin to a day without food. I can survive without it for a time, but I feel hollow and empty. I crave, and indeed ache for the fulfillment and satisfaction that the intake of a good song will give me.

Today, as I'm writing, I ponder a few of my favorites, and think also of what it is about these songs that I treasure. I think of my favorite song, "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin, and I consider the fact that for nearly 3 years now, I have listened to that song at least once a day, and it has never grown old. Something about when the initial guitar riffs of this song open up, makes me feel renewed. A smile crosses my face, and for a second my heart soars. It takes me back to a time when I sat at my laptop, listening to this song, and to the rest of the album ("Phobia") upon which its found, typing the notes to what I felt and still feel was my story to tell the world. To this day I can still hear the voices of the characters in the song. For me, the song "Breath," reigns as king of all songs, and Breaking Benjamin held sway as the greatest of bands.

I still remember the evening when I was browsing the VN Boards for Dark Age of Camelot and came across a threat titled "Within Temptation vs Evanescence"  Now, at the time Evanescence was one of my favorite bands, and so of course I logged in simply to place my vote for Amy Lee... But then I decided to click some of the links for the Within Temptation songs, and I was stunned by what I heard. I spent the rest of that night, and well into the wee hours of the next morning, listening to the incredible symphonic metal that Within Temptation is known for. I discovered songs like "Somewhere," "Solemn Hour," "Forgiven," and what is likely my favorite Within Temptation song, "Ice Queen." 

Perhaps one of the most pleasing aspects of music, is the "soundtrack of life." I've had a playlist at one point or another, for everything. Whether it was my "Get the Heck Outta Bed" playlist during my time at Job Corps,  my "Exploited Worker Playlist" of my fast food years or the "Red is Dead" playlist that provided the backdrop to countless hours of Realm vs Realm combat in Dark Age of Camelot, music is ever present in my life. Allow me, for a moment, to talk about the latter, which holds so many powerful memories.

I remember sitting in ventrilo with my DAoC guild, and as our avatars rushed across the snowy fields of Midgard the heavy sounds of Manowar's "Gods of War" was pounding from the iHome. As I moved from target to target, peeling enemies off our healers I felt truly transported back to the world of Camelot. I was battling beside my friends, and nothing, not even death, would keep us from honor. We were Gods of War. I vividly remember listening to the words of the song "Sleipnir" as our group was crushed under a vastly more numerous force. "Carry we, who die in battle, over land and sea. Across the rainbow bridge, to Valhalla. Odin's waiting for me!" Despite the death, and despite the fact that it signaled the end of the night's fun, I couldn't help but grin at the poetry of the moment. This playlist also held many other "art metal" (bands who seek to always tell a story in their music) songs. Freedom Call heralded the coming of the Barons of Brutality on more than one occasion. I think that I will take the time to craft another RvR playlist, Dark Age is always better with a soundtrack!

There is one more thing that I'd like to discuss before I close. I apologize for the length, I know I'm running long, but I want to write for a moment about the healing power of music. As discussed in the last entry, I met Alicia last summer. I remember most clearly the morning in September when she called to end it. (we would later rekindle our love, and do things the right way, but in September I thought it was over.) The words she said aren't important, but I was devastated. Something in my heart screamed at me that losing her was wrong. I knew that I'd made a great many mistakes in our relationship, and I was paying the price. I spent several nights harrowed up by the memory of our relationship, and more importantly by the stupid things I'd done, that had driven her away. As is my bent, I began to think long and hard about how to improve, I made a list. I cried, for the list seemed too long to be accomplished, and so I shredded it. The panic attacks continued, and I knew that if I was to ever be good enough for someone like Alicia (remember I thought Alicia herself was gone) that I'd have to make these changes. So I then made the list again, and began to plan. Stage one of the plan, was a soundtrack. I sat down and created, what for me, is the most powerful playlist I've ever made. This playlist was called "Catharsis." I choose to keep the songs, save one, of this playlist to myself, due to their personal nature, but they changed my life. This combination of songs, swelling from the love filled songs of youthful infatuation, to the crushing songs of pain and loss, and culminating at last in the song "Forgiven" by Within Temptation. I cried so many tears, but in the pain that these songs brought me, I forged a new person. I made choices and decisions, did research and readings, prayed and soul sought, and emerged on the other side a better and stronger man. This playlist, the soundtrack for my period of catharsis and self improvement, helped to make me the man that Alicia loves today. 

I could spend the next several hours writing about my love for music, and discussing the various artists and songs that bring me joy, or bring me sadness. Music, in all its forms, whether it be rap, metal, instrumental or gospel carry a power beyond anything we can imagine. Each and every song has the potential to touch someone in way that will be perfectly unique. Alicia and I share many similar likes when it comes to music, but there are other songs that she loves, that I get nothing out of. Likewise, songs that I enjoy fail to move her. It is this, in my opinion, that makes music special. What other force in the world has the ability to move someone so completely? Music brings so much into our world. Without music, I fear that this world, a world with so many problems, would spiral even further out of control.

It is my belief, and I encourage you, my dear readers, to take a moment each day and tune out the world. Even if it's just one song, sit down and listen to the symphony of your own life. Find that song, that artist, or that instrument that moves you. Allow yourself to be transported from the present, and let the music wash over you like a river, cleansing you from the cares of the day. Music can cure what ails you, if but for a moment, and that moment, my friends, can make all the difference.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Last summer I was an employee of Zions Bank, working for their Peaktime Department. Peaktime is the on call employees of the bank, and the job included a great deal of travel. One fateful day, what seemed like just another shift turned out to be a turning point in my life. Because that day, in the drive thru teller window of the West Jordan Branch, I met the most amazing girl. It was on that day, that I met the beautiful Alicia Weir.

To say that Alicia and I's courtship has been a rollercoaster would be an enormous understatement. We've run the gamut of whirlwing stupidity, had a failed engagement, tried to be just friends... It's been quite a rid, but this trial by firs has forged for ms what is perhaps the most powerful, most important, and most wonderful relationship in my life.

There is a cliche that speaks of "falling in love with your best friend," but I can happily say that it's not a myth. Alicia has become my most trusted friend. I can talk to her about anything, I trust her implicitly. Now I will be the first to admit, maybe the second (only because she might beat me to it), that we - fell in love with the idea of being in love at first. What I've discovered, and I feel safe in saying she has as well, is that our breakup, was the greatest thing to ever happen to either of us. It forced us to step back and examine our relationship, examine the things that we truly want, both from a partner, and in our lives.

Being with Alicia, has been an absolute blessing. She complements me where I am weak. Everday I seek to be a better human being, simply because I feel that she deserves the very best I can be. She has, time and again, caused ms to re-examine love, and search for the deeper meaning behind it all. I have had the opportunity to spend time around her family, and I have enjoyed the time I have spent around them. It is my hope and prayer that they can find it in their hearts to accept me. I've got a tough hull to climb after te whirlwind nightmare I subjected them to initially.

This weekend I got the opportunity to spend a great deal of time with Alicia, and to experience the joy of doing normal things with her. She has to have her car towed to a mechanic, and i got the chance to be the "knight in shining armor" and be her wheels to aid the process. We spent the day shopping together, by which I mean I smiled and nodded, and ahe shopped. I got to see her at her at her most relaxed, and it made ne love her even more.

Could it be, that after the long painful search for an eternal companion, that I've finally found mine?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

So until next time loyal readers, this has been another blogcast of the Rogue Signal. Goodnight, and good luck.